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I AM....

A twinkle in my mother's eye!
A parent's dream of me I'm never going to live up to
Well planned....or maybe....
An accident....no lets say...a surprise!
A bump
A cute but silly name they would never call me in real life.....
Or......would they?
A long awaited child
A child they weren't ready for...
Each cell and bone and personality trait forming to become ME
Still completely umbilically dependent
Birthed in pain and excitement and fear for my future....and love!
Love that is all consuming
My life mapped out for me by parents who want the best for me
My life an open book with blank pages ready for me to create my own destiny
The cord is broken..

A wonder!
A miracle!
So this is what I look like?
A tiny human with a squished up face
IS THIS WHO I AM?...I ask myself...

Whatever I look like....
I'm "Beautiful"....that's right...I'm "Beautiful"!
A boy
A girl
A creation from two people who loved each other
A creation from two people who maybe no longer do or never did
I have my father's chin
I have my mother's eyes
I'm cute
I am unique
There is no one else just like me!
My DNA twists and turns on its double helix forming my identity
IS THIS WHO I AM?....I ask myself.....

But what is my name!
THAT'S my identity....surely?
Named after a beloved grandmother whose influence has wrapped me in its arms
Named in honour of a long dead hero who fought for our family's honour and freedom and survived somehow....or didn't
Named with a name that is a clash of parental imaginations that explode into something new....and weird
Bestowed with a name all my own....
They love it.....I have to live with it....or grow into it....or out of it!
My name places me
My name defines me
My name gives me "a spot" in the universe
My name allows me to start running in the human race
People can't cope when you're nameless...you have to have a name...you just do!
IS THIS WHO I AM?....I ask myself....

A son
A daughter
A brother
A sister
A little, ever-expanding human sponge soaking up all that is around me....
All to prepare me to find out who I am in the big wide world
I watch... how to bake cookies and mow lawns but also how to behave towards my best friend and how much respect is shown in my family
I learn...how to draw and finger paint and play games but also how to fear and love and hold grudges and....forgive
I mimic...how to dress up and play "mummies and daddies" but also the tone of voice I speak in
I am...ready to be me!
IS THIS WHO I AM?....I ask myself....

A kid
A playmate
A classmate
Teacher's pet
Top of the class...."This Week's Award for Getting All My Spelling Right"
Struggling.... "This Week's Award for Working So Hard At Sitting Still"
I'm the "play maker" in the playground.
I'm the "loner" living my own fantasy
I'm the "King of the Castle"
And "You're the Dirty Rascal!"
"Your ears stick out!"
"My Dad's better than your Dad!",.
I watch
I learn
I cry
I giggle
And at the end of the day I'm still happy to run into those safe arms that tell me I'm the best little kid in the world.
IS THIS WHO I AM?....I ask myself....

In between...a tween...
A teen-ager
Not quite an adult - not really a child
Changing at a speed my hormones can't keep up with...
Up and down and wild and happy and sad and uncertain....
The 'New' girl
The 'Popular' guy
Back at the bottom of the food chain
Not wanting to stand out
Not wanting to be unique
Just wanting to fit in....to be the same as everyone else....never realising that we all feel the same!
A trendsetter
A leader
A follower
A bully
A target
A peacemaker
A winner
A loser
A Facebook junkie with 1000 "friends"
A loner with no friends
Sucked into a "celebrity culture" that creates a world and an image of me that is not real
Gullible because I want to be liked
Brave because I stand up for injustice and what I believe!
Smart but....
Dumb because its not cool to be smart
Interested in boys.....and girls.....

IS THIS WHO I AM?....I ask myself...I DON'T KNOW who I am!

An adult...apparently!
So one day - you just turn that corner and there you are...
A voter
A driver
A drinker
Thrill-seeking and adrenaline craving
Revelling in freedom
Longing for the free days of childhood when you could be silly and barefoot
Looking for a career path
Looking for direction

WHO and WHAT am I?
A university student - soaking up knowlege..... or booze
An apprentice - sitting at the feet of a master
A graduate
A failure
A success
An employee
A boss
A traveller and adventurer and wanderer!
A homebody
Content with what I have
Unsatisfied and wanting more
Hospitable and welcoming
A recluse
Wanting to settle down
Single and fiercely independent
Single and longing to find "the One"
How do I know?
Is there such a thing as "the One" "till death do us part!"....?
I choose to commit to you - to make you "my One"
IS THIS WHO I AM?....I ask myself

A wife
A husband
Learning to fit with another but still be MYSELF
A coming together of lives - belongings - homes - families - habits - routines
I am one of two joined to become one while still being one of two.
Trying to find the balance
Keeping my own "identity"
Then....sometimes....before you know it...
Coming! Ready or not...
A mother
A father
Sometimes....mother and father!
Completely out of my comfort zone!
A natural!
Nurturing this little human being with a squished up face!
What if I mess up?
Where's the manual for this thing?
NOW I'M...
A cook...concocting Michelin Star dinners of "mince 3 ways"
A baker..."who knew I could bake unicorn cup cakes with fairy wings?"
A construction engineer..."what do you mean, this doesn't look like the one in Legoland?"
A linguist..."I know she's only 6 months old but I distinctly heard her say supercalifragilisticexpiallidocious!"
A surgeon..."here let me kiss it better and if all else fails, a plaster will fix anything!"

Then despite all my parental failures and successes
And probably because of them.....
Despite the lack of "a manual"...
But mostly because they've been loved utterly and completely...
Somehow my kids turn out alright making their way into the world to find out who THEY really are... (Good luck with that one!)
SO....WHO AM I NOW?....I ask myself...

Feeling un-needed
Grieving the loss of being able to shape and nurture a little life
Living with a stranger...."till death do us part!"
Re-discovering the romance
Remembering why we liked each other so long ago
A student again
A traveller again
Trying to decide if I've done anything good with my life
Trying to decide if I've achieved anything in my life
Wondering if I've made a difference
A success
A failure
Busier than ever!
Remembering the "good old days"!
A grandmother with an armful of grandkids and a heart big enough to love even the "black sheep" of the family
A grumpy grandfather who is secretly not grumpy at all!
Realising I can still nurture and shape a little life
Worried about my future
A widow...alone
A widower....alone
Missing "my One"
Surrounded by family
Distressed and ill
A body - well worn and worn out!

A series of breaths....in and out and in and out and in and out.....
At peace....at last

(Wendy Johnston 1 Oct 2013)

"Oh yes, you shaped me first inside, then out; you formed me in my mother’s womb.
I thank you, High God—you’re breathtaking!
Body and soul, I am marvelously made!
I worship in adoration—what a creation!
You know me inside and out, you know every bone in my body;
You know exactly how I was made, bit by bit,
how I was sculpted from nothing into something.
Like an open book, you watched me grow from conception to birth;
all the stages of my life were spread out before you,
The days of my life all prepared before I’d even lived one day."
Psalm 139:13-16 (The Message)

"It’s in Christ that we find out who we are and what we are living for.
Long before we first heard of Christ and got our hopes up, he had his eye on us,
had designs on us for glorious living,
part of the overall purpose he is working out in everything and everyone.
It’s in Christ that you, once you heard the truth and believed it
this Message of your salvation,
found yourselves home free—signed, sealed, and delivered by the Holy Spirit.
This signet from God is the first installment on what’s coming,
a reminder that we’ll get everything God has planned for us, a praising and glorious life.
Ephesians 1:11-14 (The Message)



Thank you. Carefully crafted, succinctly put and obviously experiential. Love you and your work. Hopefully, at least some of who I am has gone into making you who you are.


Thank you so so much! :)


Thank you for the blessing of this masterful piece of work. For the wander through life in word pictures.
thank you for gifting us with it.
cheers Margy


Thanks so much Margy xx